An Ode to Adam Sackler

Lena Dunham plays Hannah and Adam Driver plays Adam Sackler on HBO’s Girls.

In She Did, the final episode of HBO’s Girls, a lot happened. Marnie moved out (because she lost the cage match); Jessa got married to an investment banker (who probably didn’t sign a prenupt, but probably should have); Shoshanna finally lost her virginity (to Ray — yes, she was that desperate); Elijah confessed to Hannah that he did, in fact, give her HPV (before she turned him gay); Jessa peed in front of Hannah (because this is Girls, so she had to pee in front of someone). But the only really important thing that happened was that Adam told Hannah that he loved her. Hurray? Finally? Victory? No. After the declaration, everything went sour. Why? Because nothing in this world makes any damn sense.

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Marnie versus Hannah: Who Would Win in a Cage Match?

In episode nine of Lena Dunham’s Girls — Leave Me Alone — best friends Marnie and Hannah get into a toothbrush-whipping, insult-hurling, door-slamming fight. Yawn. That spat was in the offing since episode one, when Marnie got to see Hannah’s boobs but wouldn’t reciprocate the kindness. Clearly, the friendship was one sided, and based on Hannah giving and Marnie taking. Well, until Marnie gave unemployed Hannah a roof over her head and food to eat, all in return for the displeasure of hearing Adam molest Hannah through the paper thin walls. How did Marnie cope with the smell? Anyway, the real question is, when the hair pulling, cat scratching, boot stomping part of the fight begins — one can only hope, in episode 10 — who will win? Here’s how I think it will go.

The Fighters:

Lena Dunham plays Hannah on HBO’s Girls

Hannah: 24-years-old, short, stocky and unemployed. She lives on a self-destructive mix of opium tea, cupcakes and misery (also known as Adam), and what she lacks in stamina — she once collapsed in the middle of the street during a light jog — she makes up for in complete and utter shamelessness (would she have really slept with her old, pervey boss?).

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Hot or Not: Adam Sackler on HBO’s Girls

When Lena Dunham’s Girls first premiered, I thought Adam Sackler was straight up repulsive. Eight episodes in, I’m on the fence. On one hand, he’s a foul-mouthed perve with no job, no prospects and no shirt. But there’s an endearing quality to someone as unfiltered, boyish and impulsive as Adam. He basically says everything that crosses his mind and does whatever he wants to. So, like Jessa, I’m not sure if he’s “a great thinker, or just a total fucking idiot.” Below, what makes me want to vomit, and what I find sweet.

Adam Driver plays Adam Sackler on HBO’s Girls

Gross:

Two words: Golden showers. No, three words (because there are some people who would actually find that hot): Unsolicited golden showers. The only thing more disturbing is that Hannah didn’t break up with him instantly. Or call the cops or the fire department or Amnesty International. Nasty.

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The Gross Guys of HBO’s Girls

Obviously, Lena Dunham’s new dramedy, Girls, isn’t about men. But as a guy, I have to complain a little about how grossness of the dudes on the show. To be plain, Dunham’s character, Hannah, is dating Frankenstein, and her best-friend Marnie is dating a 12-year-old girl trapped in a 16-year-old boy’s body. Let’s have a look:

Adam Sackler

Adam Driver plays Adam Sackler on HBO's Girls.

He’s dense, poorly-shaven and unemployed, but that’s not the worst of it. Adam seems to have learned about sex from a curious mix of raunchy porn movies and professional hockey. What girl doesn’t like being surprised by a little anal action, or hearing sweet nothings like: “You’re a dirty little whore and I’m going to send you home to your parents covered in cum?” But I can see why Hannah likes him. Not only does he have special skills — ejaculating in the shape of Africa takes a lot of hand-penis coordination — he can also be quite considerate. Offering Hannah a bottle of orange Gatorade after she “almost cums” shows that he cares about her, and doesn’t want her getting too dehydrated. After five minutes of traumatizing sex, though, I think Hannah should be reaching for the gin.

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