HBO’s Girls, a Translation

Lena Dunham plays Hannah on HBO’s Girls

I’m not entirely sure if anything significant happened on the most recent episode of Lena Dunham’s Girls, titled All Adventurous Women Do. Hannah ate a cupcake in the bathroom. Marnie had sex with herself at a party. Shoshanna didn’t have sex with anyone. The biggest plot development was Adam Sackler possibly giving Hannah HPV, but considering his head-to-toe grossness, is that really so shocking? Hannah and company did say a whole bunch of random stuff, though. And I guess that’s significant. Or at least funny. Here’s a collection of the highlights, and to make the dialogue slightly less random, a translation.

Marnie to Charlie: “You look scary to me, like Mickey Mouse without the ears.”

Translation: Before you shaved your head, you used to look like a too-cute children’s cartoon that I didn’t want to have sex with. Now that you’ve shaven your head, you look like a deformed children’s cartoon that I don’t want to have sex with.

Shoshanna to Hannah: “I’m a virgin, obviously.”

Translation: I used to be holding out for Mr. Big, but at this rate, I’d settle for Chewbacca.

Hannah to Shoshanna: “I just bought four cupcakes and ate one in your bathroom.”

Translation: Cupcakes are the new coke, at least until I find a job.

Elijah to Hannah: “You were never fat. You were soft and round, like a dumpling.”

Translation: You were fat, but I was gay so I didn’t mind the extra beef.

Marnie to Booth Jonathan: “I feel like I have to say something. I feel like I should tell you that I’m not going to kiss you.”

Translation: My boyfriend looks like Mickey Mouse without the ears and giggles like a school girl when he touches me. I don’t want to kiss you, I want to molest you with my tongue.

Booth Jonathan to Marnie: “I want you to know that the first time I fuck you, it might scare you a little. Because I’m a man. And I know how to do things.”

Translation: When the lights are out, I make monkey noises the likes of which you’ve never heard. Oh, and I don’t wear deodorant.

Jessa to old rich dude: “Do you not have a job? It’s okay, I don’t have a job.”

Translation: We’re both trust-fund babies, which is good, because at least we have something in common. Well, that and pot.

Hannah (in a tweet): “Just poured water on some perfectly good bread to stop myself from eating it. ate it anyway. BECAUSE I’M AN ANIMAL.”

Translation: My current boyfriend looks likes like a grub worm, my ex-boyfriend is gay, and I have no job. Oh, and there’s the HPV thing. Eating wet bread is the most normal thing that’s happened to me in a long time.

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