On The Crackcident — episode seven of Lena Dunham’s Girls — Marnie, Hannah, Jessa and Shoshanna go to a warehouse party in Bushwick, Brooklyn. Jessa hopes that it will be the “best party ever” (which is why she stole her outfit from a Lady Gaga backup dancer), but between the four of them, they manage to make the night seem more like a bad after school special. And, like all after school specials, there are serious life lessons to be learned. Here are the key takeaways.
Lesson 1: Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t want to say hi. Why? Because if you are like Marnie, you look like a crusty “school teacher,” or worse, “one of those Real Housewives”: a high-strung, self-centered priss wearing a too-tight cocktail dress and and a tart, desperate look that says “you miss my face, right?” And, if your ex is like Charlie, he won’t miss your face. He’s too smart, and has already moved on with a lithe young thing like Aubrey, who twirls around him like a stripper on a pole. Strangely, Marnie can’t understand how Charlie could get over their sexless, emotionally void relationship so quickly. But let’s be honest, after being with someone so frigid, he would probably sprint toward a flying monkey with a bad case of ticks.
Lesson 2: When your middle-aged boss shows up, run (don’t dance). Because whether he’s there to get in your pants, whine about his midlife crisis or just look like a sad, strange hedgehog, it’s just creepy. Jessa should let him down gently, anyway — her type is skinny hipsters with bad mustaches, not pudgy old dudes with grotty goatees.
Lesson 3: Don’t smoke crack. I’m not sure what Shoshanna will regret more the morning after: the drugs, or massaging Ray’s groin in a “non-sexual way.” Maybe she’ll end up with both an STD and a life-ending addiction. Fun.
Lesson 4: Good parties end in the kitchen, bad ones end in a junk yard. It’s always tempting when a boy as charming as Adam Sackler offers to take you scavenging for garbage. After all, maybe he’ll find a new way to sexually degrade you among the pigeons and rats. But I could be wrong on this one: Sackler’s sweet side comes out as he confesses to being an alcoholic and confronts Hannah for not actually caring for him. Maybe there’s more to him than his special ability to cum in the shape of Africa.