In She Did, the final episode of HBO’s Girls, a lot happened. Marnie moved out (because she lost the cage match); Jessa got married to an investment banker (who probably didn’t sign a prenupt, but probably should have); Shoshanna finally lost her virginity (to Ray — yes, she was that desperate); Elijah confessed to Hannah that he did, in fact, give her HPV (before she turned him gay); Jessa peed in front of Hannah (because this is Girls, so she had to pee in front of someone). But the only really important thing that happened was that Adam told Hannah that he loved her. Hurray? Finally? Victory? No. After the declaration, everything went sour. Why? Because nothing in this world makes any damn sense.
True, throughout the season I had my doubts about Adam. (Golden showers of any kind, especially un-concentual ones, are a big turn off for me.) But wasn’t all his ass-clownery just a way of fulfilling Hannah’s twisted desires? Wasn’t he just being the pervey, unreliable, emotionally unavailable jerk that she needed him to be? Otherwise she would have nothing to write about in her memoir (which would be a shame because what would the world be without another tale of disaffected relationships?). The fact is, Adam gave Hannah everything — possibly even once and orgasm — and in return, she game him the cold shoulder. And so, to commemorate young Sackler, his outstanding character and his bravery in the face of Hannah’s selfishness, I’ve written him a poem. It’s called I’ll Hold Your Hair Back, Adam.
Adam, when you came into my life,
You brought something special.
And no, it wasn’t HPV.
You’re not like Elijah (who got it from Rachel Duestick).
You’re more like The Big J.C.,
Because you’re a carpenter.
And because you believe in love.
Who used you for sex.
Then broke your heart.
And no, she didn’t hold your hair back.
(But I guess she can do what she likes.
Because she’s the star of the show.)
Oh my, you were hit by a car.
When you get out of the hospital,
Just don’t pee on me.
Or I’ll hurt you.